Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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