Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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