I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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