you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
