ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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