i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize