I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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