On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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