You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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