someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
