rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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