Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
