Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
