when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You know, be my cock's hype man.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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