drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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