i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
