i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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