I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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