Do you still have your period?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
