i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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