I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
