i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
