Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
