I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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