I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize