you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I deserve this hangover.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
