I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize