Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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