You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
