Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
