We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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