Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
