there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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