If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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