I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
