He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
