i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
