Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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