pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
