and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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