her facebook's as public as her vagina
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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