She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
