wanna go halves on a baby?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
