I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
