the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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