the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
