I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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