I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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