We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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