After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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