Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
