Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
