mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize