I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
