Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
