I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Randomize
