I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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