Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
