she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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