I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
