Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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