this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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