At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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