I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have tasted many bathrooms
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
