can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize